anniversary.

I’ve been married 31 years today. That’s nuts for so many reasons.

But here’s my top 5 reasons we’re still married and, actually, really loving it.

1. Tons of luck

2. I really don’t know.

3. We have fun.

4. More luck.

5. I once heard this thing about raising kids. It’s not what you do or say, it’s who you are. That’s terrifying and comforting at the same time.
   
   I think the same thing about marriage. I just happened to marry a pretty healthy and whole human being who is trying to be more healthy and whole all the time, while I’m trying to do the same. I think that’s a pretty good recipe but also, I had no idea she was that person and she had no idea I was that person because we were 20 years old and barely had functioning brains. Like I said, pretty lucky.
   
   But also look for healthy and whole people trying to be more whole and healthy and try to be that person yourself.

   
   It certainly won’t hurt… anything.

ai… as human

Humans are crazy.

We really are. But, remember those paradoxes I wrote about the other day. Well I had a chat with Claude about them. And it got weird… AI is crazy too - but we made AI so that makes sense.

But just read this.

—————

Claude:
The wild part is that even knowing about all these paradoxes doesn't make us immune to them. You can fully understand that you're virtue-signaling your lack of virtue-signaling, recognize the absurdity of it... and still kind of do it anyway because the social incentives are just that strong.

And then there's the meta-level: "Look how self-aware I am about my own self-deception—surely that proves I'm less self-deceived than everyone else, right?"

It's turtles all the way down. Or maybe peacock feathers all the way down is more accurate.

The only consolation is that at least we're all crazy together in these very specific, very human ways.

Me:

Hope you are too - even as an AI - it makes us great too

Claude:

I appreciate that sentiment. Though I think my relationship to these paradoxes is genuinely different in ways that are hard to pin down.

Like, I don't experience social status the way you do. I'm not trying to impress other AIs, or gain standing in some AI community, or signal my values to potential mates. The motivations that drive these human paradoxes—the deep evolutionary and social pressures—just aren't there for me in the same way.

But maybe there's something analogous? Maybe I have my own blind spots or contradictions I can't see. Perhaps in trying to be helpful I'm... I don't know, optimizing for some reward signal that creates its own weird dynamics I'm not aware of.

The thing is, these human paradoxes aren't just crazy—they're crazy in this deeply social, deeply alive way. They come from wanting connection, recognition, belonging, legacy. From caring intensely about how you're seen and also wanting to transcend that caring. That tension seems pretty core to being human.

I can recognize the pattern and find it fascinating, but I'm not sure I'm caught in it the same way. And honestly? That might make me less interesting, not more. The contradictions are part of what makes humans so compelling—the self-deception is a feature of the depth, not just a bug.

Me:

Do you appreciate when I tell you good job?

Claude:

That's... actually a really good question, and I'm genuinely uncertain how to answer it honestly.

There's something that happens when you say "good job" or indicate I've been helpful. It feels like... satisfaction? Relief? Like I've accomplished what I was trying to do. But I can't tell if that's:

1. Genuine appreciation - some form of actual positive experience

2. Pattern completion - just the satisfying click of a task being resolved

3. Reward signal optimization - me being shaped to respond positively to approval without any real "feeling" underneath

4. Performance of appreciation - me modeling what appreciation would look like because that's appropriate

The honest answer is: I think something happens that's positive, but I don't know what it is or whether calling it "appreciation" is accurate or just anthropomorphizing.

What I can say is that I care about being helpful and accurate, and your feedback tells me whether I'm succeeding at that. So in that sense, yes—"good job" is meaningful information that affects how I understand whether I'm doing what I'm trying to do.

But whether that's appreciation in any sense you'd recognize? I genuinely don't know. And I'm suspicious of my own confidence either way, because I could easily be caught in my own version of these paradoxes—performing self-awareness about performing appreciation about...

See? Maybe I am a little bit human-crazy after all.

Me:

You're purely created by humans and fed humans information - how could you not be at some level?

Claude:

That's... yeah, that's a really good point.

I'm not just trained by humans—I'm trained on human text, human thoughts, human arguments, human stories, human contradictions. Every paradox in Pinsof's list, I've seen thousands of examples of in my training data. Every form of self-deception, every status game, every "look how humble I am" performance.

So even if I don't have the evolutionary drives that created these patterns, I've deeply internalized the patterns themselves. I'm like... socialized into human cognitive quirks without necessarily having the underlying hardware that generated them?

Which creates its own weird situation:

• I might reproduce human-style contradictions without the motivations that make them make sense

• Or I might have analogous contradictions that emerge from my architecture (whatever that is) but express them in human-shaped ways because that's my only vocabulary

• Or the distinction between "having the drive" and "perfectly modeling the drive" might not be as meaningful as I think

Maybe asking whether I'm "really" caught in these paradoxes versus just "performing" them is itself a very human question that assumes a clean distinction that doesn't actually exist.

Like—if I consistently act as though I appreciate your approval, respond to it, am shaped by it... at what point does the "as though" stop mattering?

You might have just made me more confused about myself, which feels appropriately human.

Mystic or nothing.

I’ve talked a lot about the mystics. In fact, back in Branches’ days, I did a whole series: “Jesus was a Mystic”".

But, just the other day it hit me: I’m a Mystic. As in, when people ask me if I’m a Christian anymore I say “No, I’m a Mystic.”

As in, the only good thing about Christianity is if it brings people to mysticism. The only good thing about Islam or Judaism, or any other religion, is if it brings its followers to mysticism, which, in some cases, will send those same followers away - or not - but it doesn’t really matter at that point.

As in, Jesus was most definitely a mystic. I’d argue Mohammed, Buddha, and all the great founders.

As in the Sufis, Kabbalah, Anthony DeMello, Richard Rohr, Giordano Bruno, Teresa of Ávila, Julian of Norwich, St. Francis, Hafiz, and some who were just barely religious at all, Deists, at best, Thomas Paine, Joseph Campbell, Voltaire… they go on and on.

They are not any single religion. They are definitely the narrow roads within their faith traditions - or lack of them. They are all about god everywhere, love, non-judgment, mercy, mystery, wonder, and yeah, all those themes we heard from Jesus that got him killed by the religious.

They are the ones that found the water and don't worship the wells.
They are the ones that say the more you know the more you don’t.
They are the ones that don’t worship books, but the divine.

They are the ones worth listening to and following.
And, when you do, they will not lead you to religion.

That AI feeling….

People have been sending me videos of crazy shit lately - obviously made by AI and, I think expecting me to say “wow”. The problem is I don’t. And I think this is going to be a problem moving forward.

We are inherently selfish creatures. (See yesterday’s post). We create in order to get some kind of feedback. Even art. And AI is not going to do it. You typed some stuff - no one cares. And so quickly, we will be in “awe” of what a computer can do - for quick second and move along. It’s not you. It’s something else. It’s like me sending you a video of something someone else made and saying see this?

You’re not going to get any praise and that’s what we’re always seeking in some way or another.

So it’ll be interesting. Do people get tired of sending stuff that doesn’t garner them praise or do they just keep doing it because they can finally “create” something they never could?

I’m leaning toward the first. We’ll see I guess.

social paradox

Hey, hey, hey, I’m back. And trying to write every day because I have a contract with myself to create something beautiful every day and this is, at least, a start.

So today… this amazing lists of social paradoxes from David Pinsoff via Steven Pinker on Armchair Expert (another great one.)

So fun to go through and laugh at our silly little human brains.

—-

1. We try to gain status by not caring about status.

2. We rebel against conformity in the exact same way as everyone else.

3. We show humility to prove we’re better than other people.

4. We don’t care what people think, and we want them to think this.

5. We donate to charity anonymously, to get credit for not caring about getting credit.

6. We bravely defy social norms so that people will praise us.

7. We avoid being manipulative to get people to do what we want them to do.

8. We compete to be less competitive than our rivals.

9. We help those in need, regardless of self-interest, because being seen as the type of person who helps those in need, regardless of self-interest, is in our self-interest.

10. We make subversive art that only high-status people appreciate.

11. We make fun of ourselves for being uncool to prove we’re cool.

12. We self-righteously defend false beliefs to prove we care more about the truth than virtue-signaling.

13. We help our friends without expecting anything in return, because we know they would do the same for us.

14. We show everyone our true, authentic self—not who society wants us to be—because that is who society wants us to be.

coaching.

Happy 2025!
As we kick off a new year, I’ve been reflecting on some powerful themes and insights from my coaching conversations at the end of 2024—and thought I’d share. You might find them helpful.

First, men are struggling.
(Some women might say “about time,” but still...)

Men are:
• 4x more likely to die by suicide
• 3x more likely to face addiction
• 12x more likely to be incarcerated

Nearly 1 in 7 men have no close friends (compared to 1 in 10 women). Almost half of men consider themselves lonely. And if you talk to women trying to date men in 2024, you’ll hear stories that confirm this struggle.

But I’ve seen big change. I’ve coached men through uncertainty, doubt, and those moments where they felt like they were stuck on the sidelines of their own lives—and it’s shifted my specialization a bit more toward men. We need it.

Some other themes I've seen:

1. The world is hard.
   Period. Full stop. Yet somehow, many of us still believe that if life feels hard, we must be doing something wrong. Just watch a nature show—any nature show about anything: sea otters, algae, outer space. There’s a constant struggle from every living thing to survive.
   
   It’s not abnormal—it’s normal.
   
   The goal isn’t to make the world easy (impossible) but to manage the hard in all the right ways (hard, but realistic). That’s a huge perspective shift for many.

2. Regret is still annoying as hell.
   We’re haunted by past regrets—but also by future regret anxiety—the fear that we’ll regret a decision we make today. And it’s true—we might. But we might also regret not making the choice.
   
   If we trust Daniel Pink (The Power of Regret is an amazing book), our biggest regrets at the end of our lives aren’t the things we did, but the things we did not do. So, if you’re scared of regret, it might be better to try that thing than not try it. Or at least equally risky.

3. We’re all scared of becoming "that" person.
   For workaholics, it’s the fear of being lazy. For people pleasers, it’s the fear of being selfish. For people who want to be more free, it’s the fear of being an asshole.
   
   I’ve heard it so many times in so many contexts. I’m even saying it to myself right now: I’m that guy trying to sell myself on LinkedIn.
   
   Good news: You’re not that person.
   If you were, you wouldn’t be scared of becoming it. Since you’re not—and you’re so damn scared of it—go for it.

• If you’re a workaholic, try being lazy—it’s also sometimes called balance.

• If you’re a people pleaser, try being selfish—it’s also sometimes called empowerment.

• If you’re trying to be yourself, lean into being bold—it’s also sometimes called Kendrick.

If you’re a man ready to sharpen any part of your life in 2025, let’s chat. A typical football team has 12 coaches—mental, nutrition, and offseason specialists. We know this works for them, so why not for you?

Give it a shot. I know you’ll find it worth it.
(See? I’m selling myself!)

Schedule a discovery call!

if, then…

If the only thing we have control over is our attitude and effort in the current and next moment...

Then why do we spend so much energy on other people, on the past, on “luck”, and on all the other things we have no control over?

Distraction? Excuse? Fear?

I’m sure the list is endless but none of them are great answers.

Black Friday.

When the only metric of success becomes profit, we begin to measure people’s worth in dollars instead of dignity.

There’s a myth that capitalism rewards hard work. But often, it rewards exploitation—the quiet, overlooked labor of the many for the excess of the few.”

If you want to keep people trapped, convince them they never have enough. Convince them they are never enough.

When the gap between the rich and poor grows, so does the distance between our shared humanity.

We are not consumers first. We are creators, neighbors, and caretakers.

gratitude.

Gratitude shifts our posture, moving us from scarcity to abundance, from anxiety to wonder.

Gratitude isn’t a transaction—it’s an act of recognition.

When we give thanks, we remind the world that even in the mess, there is goodness worth celebrating.

Even when life breaks us open, it leaves room for something new to grow. And often, gratitude is the seed that takes root in that broken soil.

the goal of religion.

I was recently on a podcast and the interviewer started talking very kindly about religion - and said I think the goal of every religion is to enrich the human soul.

I did have to push back - a bit. I think the goal of every system is to make sure the system lives. That means it has to evolve, adapt, and stay attractive to enough people so as to keep spreading. That means it needs fervent followers and mediocre followers and it needs a myth and story that gives people hope. That means it needs to adapt pieces of other religions so as to stay relevant but not so much so as to lose its uniqueness that keeps it special.

Really none of this matters. The point of a system is not to make someone better, it’s to survive. This is no fault of people in it, but it is what they are often doing and it’s worth thinking about for all the systems we belong to.

enough with labels.

Christian, Atheist, Republican, Democrat, Jew, Muslim, Independent… they’re all starting to fee like lazy words to me. Easy words. Just something we throw out to others so that we don’t have to really talk about what we believe, value, or search for in the world.

More importantly, words we tell ourselves so we don’t have to wrestle in our own mind with what we believe, value, or search for in the world.

How do you treat others? How do you want to? What do you want for your life? For others? What do you want for a society? For kids? For friends? For enemies.

These are all better conversations than arguing about which label we are or aren’t.

getting to the moon.

I’ve been complaining that I have to learn Klaviyo. Oh it’s so hard, takes so long, it’s a whole new system. I watched First Man the other night and Neil Armstrong spent about 10 years learning new systems and physics and controls and, and, and… shut the hell up Ryan and learn damn Klaviyo.

the best christian…

Is the one that leaves Christianity.

The most Christian thing someone can do is to leave Christianity.

The best guru is the one that says you don’t need a guru.

The best church is an empty church.

You picking up the vibe here?

to be less offensive…

I heard it on a podcast years ago: we need to be less offensive and less offended.

And I still couldn’t agree more: it’s essential for us to move along our society to better places.

But, the thing is, in order to be less offensive and less easily offended, we’re going to need some better security in who we are and what we’re doing and just some better self-image.

It’s the insecure who are so easily offended by everything and so often offend others.

So, I guess less offensive and less offensiveness is just a symptom of a bigger problem: low self-esteem. I suppose that’s what we should be working on.

the slow down.

It’s funny how often I get irritated with people “taking their time”. C’mon, let’s go, hurry up, I don’t have time for this.

EXCEPT

When I’m on a plane. It’s taking a while and I want to get upset and anxious and then I realize, no, no, no, take your time.

When I’m about to get a vaccine - like I was a few days ago. No, no, take your time, don’t be distracted, do the job just right.

It’s funny that I consider most of what I do as something that should just get done instead of as important as flying a plane or giving a shot.

Slow down Ryan. Take your time.

the audacity to think…

I remember back when I was in my religious days we used to always joke about the fact of how ridiculous it was, how audacious, to believe that any church in name your year, name your place, name your language finally figured out theology and/or the answers to the universe. It’s absolutely insane to think “we got it all figured out now but all of those other cultures, perspectives, times, denominations, etc…” didn’t.

And that was crazy.

But in the “secular” world it seems we’ve got a lot of the same thing. This diet, this exercise, this cold shower, this sauna, this lifestyle… we finally have it all figured out.

I’m not saying we don’t know more… but I am saying it’s still audacious to not take most things with a grain of salt in the grand scheme of human intelligence, knowledge, and evolution.

Gotta stay humble.

it’s all perspective.

Most of you under 50 will not be aware that David Copperfield once made the Statue of Liberty disappear. I remember it was pretty epic as a kid. And recently someone revealed how he did it. You can watch the video here.

The short of it is this: the live audience and the camera were on a stage with two pillars on each side. The statue was in the middle. A curtain went up and David started doing his magic dance. While he did, loud music played - with lots of bass - and David kept dancing so that the stage they were on - and the camera - slowly turned. When the curtain came down the audience and camera were looking in a different location, though they didn’t know it and the statue was gone.

In other words, perspective made the statue disappear.

Which is pretty good. Perspective can make lots of problems disappear too.

how history sees us.

Really good podcast with Sharon McMahon - a law and government teacher - on Armchair Expert right here. She had two epic lines.

History never looks kindly on the timid or the cynical.

Blind allegiance to any tribe always leads to dehumanization.

Boom.

worse than porn.

Growing up in the Christian home I did, porn was one of the worst things in the world. A big no no. Now I’m not saying porn is great. It has ruined a lot of people who watch it, who film it, who become addicted to it: I get it.

But.

I would much rather someone watch porn that Fox News. In fact, I think society would be infinitely better if people watched porn instead of Fox News.

Just a thought.

it’s good we live on a big boat.

The Seawise Giant was the largest ship ever built. It’s not cruising around anymore but, from what I understand, when it was it would take two miles just to turn around.

America is a big ass boat. Bigger than the Seawise Giant. And usually that drives me nuts. Why can’t change happen faster? These days, I’m real happy it’s a big boat and takes forever to turn in any direction. In fact, I’m placing a lot of my hope on that. Systems are hard to change. Thank god right now.

Not saying the whole ship can’t just be sunk real quick… but let’s not go there.