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30 reasons to leave.
30 Reasons to Leave a Marriage
Someone asked me for this even though I don’t think I ever wrote it but that made me want to write it.
You've tried. Really tried. And it's still not working. Marriages can… not work.
You stay out of fear more than love. That's not a marriage. That's a hostage situation.
Your kids are watching. Staying in something broken doesn't teach them loyalty, it teaches them to settle and that is one of the worst lessons you could give your children.
You've confused commitment with endurance. They're not the same thing.
The relationship is making you smaller, not bigger.
You've lost yourself which means your partner is now married to a ghost of you… already…
You feel more alone inside the marriage than you would outside it.
Love without respect isn't love. It's nostalgia.
You already know. You've known for a while. You're just waiting for permission.
Mediocrity is a choice. So is leaving it.
The version of you that exists in this marriage is not your best self.
You've outgrown each other and neither of you is willing to say it out loud.
Staying for the kids is a story you're telling yourself. Kids feel everything and are much smarter than we give them credit for.
There is no cosmic reward for suffering through a loveless marriage.
Freedom is not the enemy of commitment. Sometimes it's the evidence of it.
You've been paying protection money to a relationship that stopped protecting you.
You deserve to be chosen every day: enthusiastically, fully, without conditions.
The church told you leaving was failure. The church was wrong about a lot of things.
If it would take a miracle to make it good, and you've stopped believing in that miracle, well…
You are not responsible for someone else's wholeness. Or emptiness. Or life.
There is more life ahead of you than you can currently see from inside this.
Leaving with love is possible. Leaving is not the same as destroying.
Saying yes to the marriage means also saying no to too many things that matter.
The relationship you're afraid to leave is the same one you've been grieving for years. It’s already over.
It could be worth it. It could also not be. Will you regret staying or leaving more? Most people regret NOT making a decision over making one and it going bad.
If the thought of 20 more years of this makes you want to stop breathing, listen to that. Please.
Unhappiness is not a character flaw to be managed. It's information.
Leaving might be the most honest thing you've ever done in your life.
The life you're afraid to want is still waiting for you. And possible.
You are allowed to want more. That's not selfishness. That's being human.
no one knows.
More than any time in history, no one knows what’s going to happen next. Anyone claiming they do, is a fraud. Which is actually really freeing. You don’t know, I don’t know, and they don’t either. So no reason to fear what they are saying, or what they are not saying. You can only do what you can do and (as the addicts prayer implies) let go of what you can’t.
And stop listening to “experts” on Instagram who claim to know what they’re going to want or not want. They don’t know either.
Ah, feels good doesn’t it?
Japan. 10 days.
Three ideas continually struck me from our 10 days in Japan: Abundance, Humility/Respect, and the Paradox of Calm/Chaos.
Abundance: I was completely blown away by the sheer magnitude of everything. I was expecting big but not THAT big. So many people, restaurants, luxury stores, malls, high end fashion, cool trending fashion, trains, train station exits, skyscrapers, coffee shops bars, and basically everything else I can imagine but mind blowing. If you believe in a world of scarcity, i.e. there isn’t enough for you to do your thing, just go to Tokyo and stare. You just can’t believe in such a thing after that experience.
Humility/Respect: Given the size and numbers, I wasn’t ready for quiet subways, restaurants, and just a general pace of life. You can’t constantly bow to one another without some degree of respect for one another oozing into your body. I’ll say I was humbled too, just as an American. I knew Japan was cool but holy shit. The efficiency, cleanliness, and overall smoothness of the crowds is mind boggling. I read a book of a Japanese exchange student in the US in the 90’s and she was in a fellow students truck and he asked her if they had radios in her country. She said she didn’t have the nerve to explain what Sony meant on his radio. And I’ve been to lots of countries, I don’t consider myself an arrogant American, but I just felt some of Japan saying to me, you’ve heard of Sony, right? Yes I knew about free healthcare, cheap college, the treatment of the elderly, manufacturing… but sometimes I felt like. Do you all have… Yes, they have it and they have it cleaner and more efficient and probably ten times more. I know it’s not a perfect country, but no country is and it’s certainly doing a lot of things a hundred times better than my own country, including just being aware of the people around them and acting as though they matter as humans on a pretty consistent basis.
Calm/Chaos: I think we saw 3 homeless people in Tokyo, Osaka, and Kyoto combined over 10 days. I think we saw 2 dirty cars and maybe 4 stores that were empty and not rented. In Osaka my wife said to me, have you seen the shoes here? Everyone has clean shoes. How? And then we started looking and it was hard to find dirty shoes. The temples, the order of making a bowl of Ramen, the old man who took a minute to take off his jacket and scarf and sit down with his paper. And yet, the ads. The video ads. The sound. The masses of people everywhere. The packed trains. The packed sidewalks. The neon and lights and trucks driving around with video/audio ads blaring. There’s that colorful, bold, busy, blaring Japan and that calm, ordered, quiet Japan everywhere. The onsens… the gardens - in winter - the smiles and politeness.
It was an interesting time to be there, for sure. Anytime would be, but juxtaposed with the US and the chaos of ICE, politics, immigration, tariffs, war, and leadership that lives with a scarcity worldview, no humility or respect for much of anything and tons of chaos without calm that has, and is, infecting our country more every day, made it all the more interesting and powerful for sure. We can do so much better in so many ways.
Thanks Japan for all the inspiration. You’re a beautiful country and people and I can’t wait to get back.
And travel is the best education in the world. Every single damn time.
ask. ask. ask.
This is maybe the most obvious thought ever, and yet before I got there I was truly confounded for years. (which might just say how dumb I am.)
But… I love to learn. Debate. Have deep conversations. I’ve also learned so many times that giving speeches, or my point of view is rarely the best way to convince anyone of anything. Asking questions is always better.
But… if I’m just asking questions, then why should I learn anything. I can always say “and then?”
And then it finally hit me. You learn in order to ask better questions. You can still put all of that good learning to use, including the learning that it’s better to ask questions, and just ask the best questions. Still not leading, not trying to make a point, but just really good questions that make the other person think - which is the whole point all along anyway. You can spot their answers, know their weaknesses, and ask the kinds of questions that probe at those.
And learn a lot in the meantime.
Learn. Ask. Learn. Ask. Learn.
I can handle that.
but what were they supposed to do?
People, myself included, will often talk about the Germans in Germany pre-Hitler and say “they didn’t do anything” or “they let it happen” which, just last night, made me ask… “What were they supposed to do?”
I think I’m realizing how Hitler rose to power more than ever - given the events in the US these days - but I’m also realizing there isn’t really much the average citizen can do. Is there?
It’s dire but, of course, there are the little things we can do - that Germans also did - and those may be all that matter.
Thousands of Germans were not on board with Hitler, including most pilots in the Air Force. But, what did you want them to do?
What do we want Russians today to do?
At the end of the day, there aren’t that many options that are realistic when fighting insane power hungry leaders who own the system. Maybe I’m wrong. I’d love to be.
he’s a god.
Trump is a god. That’s how people see him. When you realize this, everything makes sense and you learn to stop fighting battles that you can’t win.
my stranger things deep thoughts
For me, the whole series is a metaphor: a metaphor of capitalism/Western society and what it does to children and, by extension, all of us. In a sense, Jonathan was talking about this at the end - with his movie - you have to keep feeding her.
The mind flayer is the system. The propaganda. It takes innocent children and begins to tell them of their fears, their insecurities, and what they need to live a "happy" life while it's, in fact, using them to live.
These children grow into adults (Henry) and eventually teach and use children in the same way, thus propagating the system and the culture. The military is a part of this system, of course, after its power for itself but it usually takes the kids who are the freaks, the weirdos, the athletes (who can see the freaks for what they are) to battle the system, to fight against it, because they don't fit in anyway.
Dustin's whole graduation speech was its time to rebel. To fight the system - kudos to Eddie - but still... a metaphor for fighting the system.
Will's coming out was, of course, part of this. Vecna sought to find people's fears, their insecurities, their inner critic and play on it - as the system always does from the time we are young. As it had done to him and as he couldn't resist and believed he was better off a part of, despite Will telling him otherwise. Whether it's our sexuality, our traumas, our fears, it always plays on them and it's only together that we can actually fight it, and, in some sense, find happiness. It's only together that we defeat this thing trying to tell us we need it for happiness when it's using us.
It's why we needed the ending to be the way it was. Yes kill the monster but also tell us what the monster always truly was.
Of course, I'm sure I'm reading way too much into it, but that's what a good story allows people to do in my opinion.
enough of 30 seconds…
Going off of yesterday’s post… just imagine this.
What if you traded in all of the 30 second opinion posts on social media for a 2 hour expert conversation on the same topic?
How would your life look different this year?
Yes, you would hear a bit less but I would bet a lot of money you would know a lot more.
less. 2026.
Our family has a tradition where we go through and write down things we are grateful for from the year before and things we are dreaming of for the following year… we’ve been doing it 10 years now and we keep them all on pieces of paper and read them all, laugh, cry, ask ourselves if we ever change.
Sometimes it all leads to a word as well. Mine for 2026 is less. Less is more and I want the more that comes from less not the forced more that comes from just doing all kinds of more.
I made a list of what that could mean but I’m trying to think less about what it means and let it happen.
More analog. Less digital. (They are saying 2026 is the year of analog and I’m here for it.)
More face to face. Less social media. (I’ve told my family I don’t want any opinions from social media.)
More craftsmanship. Less AI. (I’m sooooo sick of AI.)
More listening. Less news. (For obvious reasons.)
More quality. Less quantity. (Depth. Honing. All of that.)
More experts. Less opinions. (See #2. #5. Podcasts. Books. By people who I should be listening to.)
More wonder. Less stress. (Wonder does kill stress.)
More creating. Less consuming. (Give more. Take less.)
AND this country…
And this country is made of people with all of that crazy DNA in their blood.
No wonder we’re never happier or content or have enough.
or maybe she was crazy.
You often hear the story go something like this. Your great great grandmother was so brave. She got on a boat at 15 and never saw her family again. Just so you could live here and have this life.
Okay, but…
Also maybe she was crazy. Why the hell did she leave her family to come to America to work her ass off and meet a man who died of black lung disease from working his ass off to eventually get enough money to buy a shitty house and have kids who had kids who had kids who are marginally (at best but mostly likely not) happier than their third cousins that still live in the country she came from?
Why the hell did she ever leave her family for that?
xmas
Funny, growing up people used to say “xmas” was taking the “christ” out of Christmas.
Not sure if anyone cares anymore, but just remember.
X stands for the unknown.
X stands for treasure.
X stands for “warning” or maybe risqué.
X stands for a kiss.
X stands for multiplication.
So…
Merry Xmas.
eve.
Merry Christmas Eve.
The annual reminder that if you want to find any semblance of god, the best places to look for god is somewhere near immigrants, the poor, the rejects, the scientists, the searchers, and the ones that really dig into the mysterious, universal, found in the mundane.
And your annual reminder of the lengths that the political and religious powers will do to eradicate those very ideas.
It’s not a little cute story of peace and joy, really, but it is some insight on where to best find it.
trump sucks ass at trade too.
No shock but Trump has failed here too…
January to September trade deficit is 1 trillion. 118 billion more than January to September 2024.
China’s trade surplus is the highest of any nation ever. Over 1 trillion. It has not lowered at all.
Manufacturing jobs are down. Manufacturing is down.
I’m sure the Golden Age is just around the corner.
bus lanes.
There is this bus lane in downtown Seattle on 4th avenue. I drive it all the time. It’s a bus only lane on weekday mornings, which it says on the signs and it’s only about a block long. Two things amaze me about this bus lane.
It’s amazing how many people get over. In the middle of traffic, they are turning on their blinkers and doing everything they can to get out of this bus lane for a block. To avoid breaking the rules. People really are pretty much rule followers and pretty kind.
But, people do this on Saturday and Sunday and late at night too. No one reads the sign that you don’t have to get over at those times.
So, like lots of life. People are pretty kind and follow rules. And they also don’t pay very good attention to the rules or signs, which causes more trouble than they often need to.
a little more light.
It’s the Winter Solstice, one of the best days of the year because it reminds us of a few things.
The dark never, ever, sticks around forever.
Darkness is part of the system, just like light.
When someone is in the darkest day of the year (northern hemisphere) someone else is having their greatest (southern hemisphere).
Everyone on Earth gets the same amount of daylight in a year, it’s just how it’s divided up.
The Nordic countries are the shit. Lagom. Ratlljóst. Sisu. Hygge. Ildsjel. Look ‘em up.
the snake
There are many people who believe that gods will punish people with snake bites for being immoral. But, as Seth Godin says, it’s crazy how the gods don’t punish immoral people with snake bits in Antartica.
Right, because there are no snakes.
Which, really gets one thinking.
Why are there school shootings? Illness? Tornadoes? Floods?
Probably not because of immorality.
unshakable good.
Father G. talks about it a ton in his latest book - which everyone should read.
But just know that you are unshakably good. Feels amazing right?
So are they? Feels less amazing, right?
So is he. And her. And… wait, not them. Surely, not them. No, them too. Feels less amazing.
Yeah we’re all unshakably good, even if lots of us are layered in shit that prevents us from acting or believing or living it.
Isn’t that freeing?
no you’re not.
I’ve been guilty of this more than anyone. We’re for everyone. Who’s this for? Everyone.
As usual, I love how Seth Godin breaks it down.
You’re definitely not for everyone. Is it a book? Then you’re for people who read. Is it a podcast? Then you’re for people who listen to podcasts.
You’re already not for everyone so you might as well keep going down that list and find out an actual audience.
too…
Why is it that it seem we’re stuck in a vortex of making simple things complicated, and complicated things, simple?
I mean why do we make weight loss so complicated but god so simple?
Why do we make consent so complicated and immigration so simple?
And lest you think I’m just making this simple, it’s not.
I think we all know that most everything is much more simple and much complicated than we want it to be and we’ll use both to avoid potentially changing our opinion or perspective.