we all want.

At least 80% of Americans (removing the 10% of extremists on each side) would all agree.

We all want fewer abortions.
We all want more wonder.
We all want no mass shootings, especially no school shootings.
We all want the rich to pay taxes, just like everyone else.
We all want more happiness.
We all want more money in our pocket which means either lower costs for items, or higher wages, or both.
We all want less crime.
We all want great healthcare.
We all want to have less homelessness in our cities.
We all want community.
We all want great roads and bridges that don’t fall apart and police and fire departments that protect us.
We all want our planet to be able to support life.
We all want everyone to be able to love who they love.
We all want kids to be very careful about gender transition surgeries.
We all want to feel safe.
We all want our taxes to be spent efficiently.
We all want a government that protects us (from external enemies to corporate greed and everything in-between.)
We all want a government that doesn’t go bankrupt.
We all want healthy immigration.
We all want all people to have all of these things no matter their race, religion, or creed. (I hope.)

We all don’t agree on who can get us what we want.
We all don’t agree on how to get what we want.

But, having discussions about how to do the things we all agree on will be infinitely more productive than who we did or did not vote for.

How do you think we can get fewer abortions? How do you think we can have less mass shootings? How do you think we can make sure that the ultra-rich pay the same amount of tax as me? Not how does the person you voted for think but how do you think?

Those are the “how” questions that are so much better than “how the hell did you vote for Trump”? (Remember this Ryan.)

Me Talking to Myself About That Song.

This song back in the 90’s was called “Real Good Thing” by the Newsboys.
My wife and I sing it every now and then because it makes us laugh. Yesterday I was singing it and started having a whole conversation with myself.

Me in 1990: When we don’t get what we deserve that’s a real good thing.
Me Today: What do I deserve?
Me in 1990: To burn in Hell forever?
Me Today: I do?
Me in 1990: Yes, sadly.
Me Today: Why?
Me in 1990: You were born.
Me Today: Wait, what?
Me in 1990: Yeah, you were born?
Me Today: I was born so I deserve to be burned forever? By who?
Me in 1990: By God.
Me Today: Well who created me to be born?
Me in 1990: God?
Me Today: So God created me to burn forever?
Me in 1990: Well, that’s just what you deserve.
Me Today: So God created me to deserve to burn forever?
Me in 1990: No God created you to live fully!
Me Today: What?
Me in 1990: There’s good news!
Me Today: There is?
Me in 1990: Just love god. Believe Jesus made a blood sacrifice for you and you won’t burn. In fact, you’ll be truly alive AND get the best afterlife ever!
Me Today: What? How do I love God?
Me in 1990: You believe in him?
Me Today: That’s it? Him?
Me in 1990: Well and believe he died for your sins?
Me Today: But why did he die for my sins if he created me to burn in hell forever?
Me in 1990: Because he loves you!
Me Today: He does? Why does he burn me then?
Me in 1990: Because you’re evil.
Me Today: But he created me.
Me in 1990: But the world corrupted you.
Me Today: It did?
Me in 1990: Yes! But he loves you!
Me Today:  But he’ll torture me?
Me in 1990: If you don’t believe in him and love him.
Me Today: So he only loves me if I love him?
Me in 1990: No he always loves you! Nothing can separate you from his love! As far as the East is to the West! That’s why he died for you.
Me Today: But he might torture me and send me to Hell?
Me in 1990: Because you’re evil! If you don’t accept his free gift.
Me Today: The gift he created me to need?
Me in 1990: He created you for so much!
Me Today: But he created me and this whole system.
Me in 1990: To do good things. To obey him. To follow him. To love others.
Me Today: To love them like he loves me?
Me 1990: Exactly.
Me Today: Cool, so I can pretty much be an asshole to anyone who doesn’t love me?
Me 1990: No! You forgive them and love them like God forgives and loves you!
Me Today: Okay. That song sucks. Also, no wonder I was a freaked out little boy.

COVID really hurt us.

My daughter said this to me the other day about Trump: “I don’t know if I want things to be terrible to prove they were all wrong to vote for him, or things to be great and prove I was wrong about not voting for him.”

I can so relate, because we’re all just big egos most of the time.

But that got me thinking about COVID. It made a lot of people believe experts don’t know much and that the common person can know better. Experts were wrong. Things weren’t as bad as we feared. See!!! Not that many died. Vaccines didn’t work. The government was wrong.

Even though…

Millions of people died during COVID. Yes, not the whole world, but still… millions. I have friends who lost their dads.

Millions were saved by vaccines. Millions of lives.

The government was dealing with an unknown. They anticipated the worst—which might actually be one of the reasons the worst didn’t happen. That’s their job. And sometimes, it’s our job too.

The fact that everything ended up “alright” doesn’t prove anything even though lots of people took that lesson from it.

It seems we’re in the same place with Trump 2.0 again. Many are saying the same thing: It won’t be that bad. Stop overreacting, etc…

But…

Women have already lost rights. Women have already died because they couldn’t have abortions.

Men have already been empowered to be assholes. We live in a country that, if nothing else, has learned that you can do a lot of bad things and still win it all. People see that. People learn from it.

We’re dealing with an unknown. Some of us are fearing the worst. Because it could be. And if the worst doesn’t happen, it doesn’t justify letting this slide. It doesn’t justify not ending the possibility of the worst when we had a chance.

I’m not sure if I’m making sense, but that’s what this blog is for, I guess—just trying to get words and thoughts out.

I agreed with my daughter’s reasoning at the time, but the thought has been bothering me. Because it’s the wrong idea. The future won’t prove anyone right or wrong. If Trump doesn’t end up being Hitler (which I pray he doesn’t), then it proves nothing—except that sometimes we get lucky when we let the snakes out of the box and don’t get bit. Even though there was no real reason to open the box and let them out in the first place.

And at some point, we will get bit. Some already have been, and more definitely will be. And maybe that number of bites will never be catastrophic enough to justify all the fear—but if we keep letting snakes out of boxes, at some point, it will be. That big climate change snake is looking real dangerous, btw.

So, I guess, in the end, for my own ego, I can say it this way: there’s no reason on god’s green earth to hope things get bad to prove you were right. It’s always better to try and minimize damage when you can still minimize and not when you just “hope” it won’t be that bad because things are never that bad.

tipping the scales.

Yesterday I wrote that I believed we lived in a nation that valued morals over money, principles over power, competency over conspiracy, and just common decency over depravity… and we don’t. But, it kinda hit me that while I may be disappointed in the country, I can, obviously, live these out for myself. It’s grounding to put these on paper—to clarify what I can control in my own sphere, even when I can’t control what’s out there.

So, I wrote down some of the values I hope to have in the coming months. The values I hope to put energy into. Guardrails maybe. Or weights to tip the scales of decision when it’s not obvious. (And I really didn’t mean to have this alliteration thing going, but once it did, it was hard to stop.)

Morals over Money
I barely like the word “morals” because of my religious past, but The Moral Animal got me able to stand it again. But, I will give it to my Christian past: the love of money is, in fact, the root of all evil—or at least it’s hard to argue otherwise. The love of money really is the root of most of the destructive tendencies of cultures, societies, and individuals. It’s scary shit.

Principles over Power
What’s the difference between principles and morals? Principles are broader: justice, equality, kindness, and morals are how we act given those principles. What’s the difference between power and money? Hmmm… I’m not sure. But I want to chase the kind of power that can’t be bought or sold.

Competency over Conspiracy
I think this one is obvious, but I’m really over the conspiracy theories—no matter where they come from. They are fun and dramatic, but I don’t even want to dabble in them or hear about them. They thrive on intrigue, but often at the cost of truth. I’d rather put my energy toward what’s solid.

Decency over Depravity
Pretty obvious, and god I hope I never lean toward depravity, but it can be a tricky son of a bitch, and decency is sneaky in the way it disappears sometimes. Decency, the quiet workhorse, doesn’t shout—it just endures. I want to stay awake to that.

Creativity over Consumption
This is a big one for me. I want to get back to writing, to blogging, to creating art, to coaching, to creating relationships—and less consuming of news, politics, etc… like I said yesterday.

Honesty over Hypocrisy
This one is a new one that I was thinking about in the shower. There is a form of hypocrisy that is simply not being vocal about what I stand for. I’m tired of doing that. Of course, kindness matters, but I’m tired of being quiet for the fear of offending those who might disagree. Hypocrisy seems to creep around sometimes quietly, disguised as silence. Gotta stay grounded in honesty, even if it makes waves.

Boundaries over Bridges
This is a really tough one, but it’s just where I’m at right now. Hopefully, not for long. But I’m tired of trying to build bridges to try and understand where everyone is coming from at the cost of my own sanity. Right now, for a minute, I’m going to need boundaries. I do hope to get to a point where I can start building those bridges, but right now all the bridges seem to lead to lands I don’t really want to travel in. Sometimes, staying grounded requires choosing where not to go.

These are just mine, just for now—the weights I need to keep my scales balanced in a world that sometimes feels so off-kilter. Love to know yours.

sane and kind.

Well, that was tough. Hard. I cried five times yesterday, once with my daughter on the phone. I guess I was prepared this could happen but was hoping it wouldn’t. I believed I lived in a country that valued morals over “money”*, principles over “power”*, competency over conspiracy, and just common decency over depravity but… here we are. Egg prices have taken out every incumbent party in just about every country since the pandemic* and I guess they got us here too.

I had a plan to try and cope (when I didn’t know the outcome) and I guess it’s time to implement it. Some might say I’m burying my head in the sand, and some might say I’m becoming more enlightened—that this is where I should have been all along. I do tend to think it’s more the second one. But, either way, I just gotta stay sane—and kind—at this point. 

So here’s what I’m doing.

Stage One

Yesterday, I kept saying, “I don’t care.” I think that was just anger.  
Today, I’m more focused on energy. Where am I giving it that I shouldn’t? And where am I not giving it, that I should?

Give Less Energy to:

1. America (as in the construct that’s a group of people built around a shared—though not so much anymore—story). I’m giving much less energy to trying to hold this thing together or make it into what I think it should be. I’ve never been a flag waver but it’s still been something I believed in somehow. In wrong ways. The construct can go….

2. Politics. I’ve always believed politics affects almost every second of my life—and, more importantly, affects others in very hard ways. Still do. But I’m taking a break. Seems I’ve cared too much about stuff for people who don’t. Maybe I got too far into the weeds.

3. Big global stories. The war in Ukraine. The war in Gaza. I’m deeply interested in what’s happening in other countries, but carrying that burden with so much energy? No. Again, seems like I was off - carrying it more than many it affected more directly. 

4. Sites. News and Social Media. I’ve used porn blockers to block all news sites—which are kinda like porn: explicit and meant to get us all excited—on all my devices (which is hard for me). I’ve also blocked social media sites, etc. If I post it will be through an app so as to not get into the mess of it. My Apple News feed is now just about octopi, design, art, and, of course, F1. I hope to be the guy who, when someone says, “Hey, did you hear...?” can answer, “No.” That’s never been me. But it’s time. I think I got too deep in—too addicted—too unable to see the things I needed to see. Who am I kidding? Friends will send stuff and I’ll hear it, but the attempt will be there. 

All of this is for Stage Two:

Put More Energy Into:

1. Powerful women. I’m talking about the kind who move this world and should be leading it. My daughters. My wife.  The millions more. These are women who are intelligent, wise, care so much about those around them, and yet they feel defeated. How can I make them feel more heard, more seen? Not that they need me—but maybe they do, considering the way men continue to run this world. How can I help them get more power?

2. Men. We’re in a tough moment with men who are struggling to balance masculinity and vulnerability and the feminine. From stats and stories, and anecdotally, they seem lonely, off, and afraid. I had a friend who knew someone that knocked on doors in Wisconsin, and every young man she met at the door said “fuck that bitch” about Harris. What is that? They act brave, but they’re so afraid of losing some piece of masculinity that they’re not as powerful as they want to be. The role models seem awful. More energy into helping men be as powerful as they pretend to be.

3. People leaving or who have left Christianity. This religion is killing us. I think there will be a mass exodus again because of the hypocrisy. Christians (specifically evangelicals) chose Caesar over love. Again. Just like their Pharisee role models 2000 years ago. They continue to subdue women, immigrants… it just goes on and on. If you’re not feeling right with it, get out! If you’re already out, let’s talk. You did the right thing. There is still a spiritual world—more of one, actually—and I’m looking forward to putting more energy into coaching and maybe creating a community with the “nones.”

4. Those in my zone. Since Tuesday, I’ve talked to a lot of people about a lot of things—friends, family, my cousin in Pennsylvania, and the people who work in our apartment—and it has been beautiful. I probably should have been here all along—more laser-focused on my surroundings and the people in them than lost in the clouds of global-scale politics. My energy is shifting to my spheres of contact and, of course, to the ones (especially the marginalized) that are scared, nervous and anxious in that sphere - of which there are plenty. My wife just ran into a man on the elevator delivering groceries today who started crying and said he was “terrified” in broken English.

5. Myself. I want to take a deep look at myself, find where my biases are, where I assume things I shouldn’t, and where, frankly, I’m just wrong. How do I stay clear of that temptation for the ideas of power and money? How do I stay kind? How do I move through this world with better, more impactful justice and love?

My cousin, who is a teacher and a mom to two little girls, said this:

How can we teach kids love is greater than hate when hate keeps winning?

That’s the question, isn’t it?
That’s the one that needs energy.

Dear America,

I really don’t care much for you right now. You like white men so much it’s kinda sickening.

You’re in love with white men, and it doesn’t matter how old they are or how deranged they seem, or how many women they’ve assaulted as long as they promise you

money
and
power.

So, in short, you’re in love with money and power, actually, but you only trust white men who promise it to you, I guess.

Anyway, I’m not in love with white men, at the expense of others. I’m not in love with money. I’m not in love with power.

I don’t ever want to be.

So, I’m not really in love with you.

We’re going to have to take a long break for a while and I hope all the (mostly) men who love white men and money and power are right about what the latest old white man with lots of money and power over us is going to do, because, if they’re wrong, I’m not sure how long you’re going to be around.

Cheers,

ryan

they don’t beg.

The only artists, companies, people that beg to be liked are the insecure. Stop begging, you don’t need to. Just do your thing and let it happen.

it’s just life.

Feels like a trend I’m seeing lately: when things go bad we have to blame someone. We gotta get mad, we gotta revolt, we gotta come up with stories as to why it just didn’t go our way.

Life is hard. Period. That’s all. Sometimes it just doesn’t go the way we want it to go. Can we end there?

how about that prayer?

Can any evangelicals, or groups that believe being gay to be a sin, answer why their god never seems to answer the prayer of the so many gay teens who pray to be cured of being gay, pleading in prayer every day?

Why is that not answered?

Christianity is selfish.

Why did you let this happen God? How could you? Why didn’t this. happen? Why can’t I get this?

It’s just so much about me and god - and this is no news flash - but how in the hell did it get so much about you and I at the expense of us and them? If Christianity could figure that out, it might get people back in it, but, then again, that would come at the expense of the selfishness of the religion itself, so I won’t be holding my breath.

In short, for Christianity to actually exist in its most beautiful form, it would need to cease worrying about its own religion which would mean its eventual demise.

i’m right.

I’m right. It seems like this is the base argument - if you dig down far enough for almost everything.

I’m right you shouldn’t date him.
I’m right, you can’t understand how great he is.
I’m right, I went to this school, support this team, support this candidate…

I’m right, Jesus is coming back.

It seems like so much of our life is spent trying to argue how right we are, and then trying to waiting for it to prove true, or spending all the time we can in makes sure it does prove true.

I don’t know but I don’t like it - and I see it in myself.

the danger of perfection.

The closer we get to the election, the closer I’m seeing something that makes me sad. It’s the loss of practical for the illusion of perfection.

It’s not just the election but it is a clear example.

We don’t have a perfect system. There are no perfect candidates. This is not a perfect government. It never will be.

We can’t get so lost in the perfect that we deny the practical. The practical is that there are two candidates with different policies that will affect millions of people and simply backing out of the practical for the perfect, is, in a sense cowardly.

Again, this does not just show up in politics. Elizabeth Gilbert said years ago that perfectionism is just fear dressed in high heels. I absolutely love the quote.

Whatever it is… your art, your business, your marriage, your kids, our politics for sure… we can’t let our pursuit of perfect distract us from the very real practical decisions that come before us every day.

hard to believe.

How much I used to love Elon Musk, Scott Adams, Russel Brand. Read their books, hyped them up… and now I can barely stand the thought of them.

Not sure what it all means other than I’m proud of myself… I definitely don’t stick with “leaders” no matter what they say and I definitely do find good information and things I can handle in whomever and wherever I can. So I guess it’s not all bad.

resistance.

Steven Pressfield’s book The War of Art has been one of my favorites for years. He talks a ton about “resistance” that thing that prevents us from doing the shit we need to do. In short, we have to fight the resistance. It’s a beautiful message.

In my workout today, the trainer said something along the lines of thanking your weights for the resistance and it got me thinking.

It’s not that resistance is completely bad. It can be very good - even that kind that prevents us doing the shit we’re supposed to be doing because the more we fight it, the more we get strength. So, the next time that urge comes to not do the thing you know you should do, view it as an amazing opportunity to get stronger.

ahead

We sometimes say “they’re so far ahead of me” as though it means they’re out of our league or someone we can’t talk to or relate to. I mean, they’re just so far ahead, almost implying they are better than us.

But, if you’re on a plane to London from LA and someone tells you there’s another plane five hours ahead of you, do we think that they’re somehow “better”? No, we just understand they left earlier. Plain and simple.

So the next time you meet or hear about someone who is “so far ahead of you” just remember it doesn’t mean they are better or wouldn't want to talk to you - in fact, it means they are the perfect person to talk to. They left earlier and no exactly where the turbulence and clear skies are on your path.

Trumpchausen by Proxy

Not sure if you’re aware of Munchausen or Munchausen by Proxy, but it’s basically a condition in which a parent will fake illnesses on their child or children. They will create the symptoms, create the disease, have ports installed in their children, pretend cancer diagnoses, etc… you can find information about it everywhere or listen to a great podcast on it right here.

But, the main point is that, the parent will create a disease for attention and often tell the child only I understand your true symptoms and diagnosis and only I can take care of you.

I had an epiphany listening to the podcast: this is Trump. He makes up symptoms, he acts as though only he understands the true diagnosis, and only he can fix it. And the victims are all of his supporters - I don’t mean to get dramatic or to lessen the horror of legit Munchausen cases, but what Trump is doing is a form of abuse.

Julius and Ethel Rosenberg

On this day in 1953, these couple was executed by the United States government for passing secrets about the A-bomb to the Soviets. If you don’t know the story, you should. In fact, I strongly recommend watching the entire Turning Point: The Bomb and the Cold War on Netlflix. It’s absolutely and terrifyingly efficient in its ability to talk about what brought us to the point where we are today with the Cold War.

I’m obsessed with the show and I wish every citizen was required to watch it.

self-love. of country.

When we are talking about self-love, we usually have to make sure that people understand that self-love means we still love ourselves despite our mistakes. In other words, it’s obvious we have mistakes and, that’s alright, we can still love ourselves.

But

When we are talking about love of country, many tend to find the idea of listing mistakes as un-patriotic or not true love. It’s interesting that we excuse our country of its mistakes so much, and ourselves so little when talking about same word.

Maybe we need a reminder.

Love is accepting who we are, despite the mistakes, and working to improve on those mistakes. Whether it’s a country or yourself - or both.

i’m liberal, yes, but…

There was a school shooting at my son’s High School in Seattle last week. It was the third this year.

An interesting article is going around from the Seattle Times that references Officer Bennie - the police officer who was on campus from 2008 to 2019. He was let go by the district during the “defund the police” movement around George Floyd and now, many, are wondering if that not only did not help, but hurt.

Which brings me to a broader principle. I’m liberal as hell but I’m also practical and it seems like the one thing liberals don’t do well is acknowledge the state of the culture,

So, yes, I think homeless should be treated as whole human beings and allowed to camp in cities, BUT, are we ready for that culturally?
Yes, I think drugs should be decriminalized, BUT are we ready for that culturally?
Yes, I think we should defund the police, BUT…

And if I want to be an asshole I could argue that it’s the MAGA wing of the Republican Party who, in part, is not letting the culture be there. But I think it’s much more than that - I think it’s acknowledging that we don’t live in a culture where those things always work. There is so much to be done BEFORE we can get to those principles and many of those principles require a shit ton of time and work that we don’t necessarily want to give.

Are we ready to tax the wealthy and build housing?
Are we ready to provide free mental health treatment and addiction services to homeless?
Are we ready to do so many things that we might need to do before we’re ready to just let humans camp in downtowns for however long and wherever they want.

In short, it’s been said many times but it’s definitely worth saying again: culture eats strategy for breakfast.

We aren’t Sweden. God I wish we were, but we’re not. We’re a selfish, capitalistic, violent, individualistic, culture. Yes, there is all kinds of beautiful moments (and if fact violent crime is at some of the lowest levels its been in years) but maybe we need to work on moving the culture a bit more, before acting like we already live in it?

I could be wrong but it’s how I feel right now.

who are they…

We all agree “we can’t let them win.” But, who are they?

I don’t believe they are gangs, immigrants, terrorists, liars, evil politicians, etc… or the people that belong to certain groups.

I do believe they are insecurity, loneliness, rejection, shame, hopelessness, revenge, violence, etc… and the systems that create those things.